I ran across some very informative articles and discussions about the military base the Rabbit has been sent to for a few weeks which is in the Bahamas on a base the government calls AUTEC and I don’t even know what that stands for but the place is known to conspiracy theorists as “just like Area 51 but different” and “is probably a stargate” and, as it turns out, the Rabbit is actually taking part in a secret government project to capture aliens from another dimension that know how to swim.  Probably.
Also, turns out he’s in the Bermuda Triangle on an island inhabited by giant troll owls who eat people and he doesn’t even know it and I can’t even call him to warn him because apparently phone calls are pretty much impossible except on special days and I can’t even make this crap up.

Baby, if you read this remember to keep a circle of ash with you at all times and for the love of all that is sane do not agree to push any buttons. Also, beware of bald men in fedoras.

Filed under: conspiracyThe Rabbit

I pseudo-flew, people. It was like sitting in a giant Atari.

So, a week or so ago the Rabbit convinced me to sit in his helicopter and I was sure I had gone 25 years back in time because it all looked very Atari and I decided right then and there that flying in a helicopter is on my least favorite things to do list because Atari was very pixely and unrealistic and I don’t ever want to feel like that. I’m not saying I don’t like Ataris, I’m just saying that I don’t want to be flying around in one.  So I sat there and pretended and the Rabbit took some pictures of me with my phone and I almost broke the Navy and now I’m typing this blog post a week later and I don’t have much else to say about the whole event except, dang I was having a good hair day.

And also, It has become obvious that the Rabbit doesn’t know me very well because this is how he imagines me to look while flying a helicopter:

This is how I imagine me to look while I fly a helicopter: (much more realistic)

image

I promise I was not really flying in either of these photos and if you look closely at each picture you will see strong indications that we are, in fact, still inside the hangar.  I don’t fly. And I have no desire to anger the government. You know, assuming the government reads my blog.

And as if it wasn’t bad enough that I was surrounded by snakes and had possibly murdered Santa I really had to go pee and the Rabbit forced me to use the men’s head because, There’s no girl’s head on this floor, and that doesn’t sound bizarre at all and I thought once again that this is really not somewhere I should be ever. 

But at least I got to fly. Pseudoly (can I say that?).

Filed under: The Rabbitwe took an adventure

Can you guess what this is?

If you guessed a fence post you’re way off. Also, you should probably have your eyes checked.  If you guessed bacon jam I would be impressed because it is, in fact, jam made out of bacon and I created it myself using this recipe, my crock pot, and two glorious pounds of bacon.

Seriously, I don’t think people understand how far you can take bacon. It’s like the most versatile meat out there yet nobody even knows it but me because I research these things people because I know what I want and it’s bacon. I also found out that, when used correctly, bacon can even stop war. And cure vegetarianism.

This all came straight out of The Urban Dictionary so you know it must be true.

P.S. I’m not sure the amount of sugar and apple cider vinegar the recipe calls for is necessary. I liked it, but when I make it again I’ll be using just half of what the recipe says for those two ingredients so you may want to keep that in mind if you try this recipe.  I’m not trying to boss you around or anything so don’t get your panties in a wad.

P.P.S. I found out today that my dog self is a bulldog who is a natural comedian and works as either a racecar driver or bartender. So that explains absolutely nothing.

Filed under: Bacon

While I was visiting the Rabbit’s squadron last week he took me into this room that was filled with computers and a microwave and filing cabinets that had massive locks on them because they are supposedly filled with all of the Navy’s secret state of the union type stuff that I’m pretty sure is code for many-decks-of-playing-cards but whatever because right in the middle of everything was an empty Santa suit.

The Rabbit got busy ignoring me because he (allegedly) had ”work” to do so I just kind of poked around at Santa’ s clothes for any evidence of a left over person because I watch Fringe, people, and I know what can happen. 

Then I threw all caution aside and put the Santa suit on because, HELLO!  It’s a Santa suit y’all! Just laying around in the squadron! In July!  Who wouldn’t put this on?

Then I realized that my impulsive nature might have ruined me again when I remembered that when you find an empty Santa suit and put it on that makes you like the murderer of Santa or something and then you magically become the new Santa and that’s kind of scary because no way do I want to FLY AROUND ON A SLED IN THE FREEZING COLD. I know y’all are starting to think that I’ve gone loopy and you’re probably right but still. They made a movie about this so it must be legit.

At least I won’t have to feel guilty anymore about eating all the cookies.

Also, does this mean I get my own reindeer?

Filed under: we took an adventure

This is why the Rabbit can’t take me anywhere.

It was a bad idea from the start.

The Rabbit’s helicopter is kept in a very formidable garage that smells of an odd mix of metal, gray paint, and guy and seriously, I shouldn’t have even been in there and I had to keep telling myself that it was abandoned for the holiday weekend and, really, what could happen?
Well, either the place is haunted and/or I happened because it was either me and/or a ghost who pretty much ruined one of the helicopters. It practically fell apart right in front of me, people. Like an actual helicopter. A Seahawk helicopter. Like the Black Hawk only more Navy and more better.

My husband flies these things, yall. And they pay him for it.  He’s pretty much amazing.

So I don’t even know what it was or how it happened but I looked at this red thing which in turn made something fall off of the helicopter which in turn made this obnoxiously loud clanging noise that echoed for like 3 minutes and my first instinct was to run which is why I didn’t get a picture.

And the Rabbit was laughing a little and shaking his head and saying, It’s just the plug to the mission avionics cooling fan, but that only made the whole thing sound worse and I wondered why he wanted to rub it in that I was probably going to spend the better part of the rest of my life at Leavenworth but he leaned down and fixed it and this is why I love him.

I wish I could say that was all and nobody was the wiser but I can’t because the awful noise drew the attention of a severe looking young man in a camouflage uniform who didn’t say anything to me but definitely let me know he was there because he totally followed me like I was some kind of teen-aged hoodlum and the Rabbit wasn’t even in his uniform so we both probably looked like hoodlums.  

It was almost suspenseful.

Note to self: Stay far away from giant military equipment and/or avoid possibly haunted helicopter hangars.
Second note to self: Add EMF meter to shopping list.

Filed under: The Rabbitwe took an adventure

It’s no secret that I just don’t like snakes, people.

So I tried to write this post like 6 times already and it’s just not coming together like I want it to.  I think it’s because I’m trying to squeeze too much awesome into one post and I blogged it late last night and I’ve modified it about 16 times since then and it had fail written all over it. Also, most of the revisions were done at 2 am which means I was insomnia-writing which means that most of it probably didn’t make any sense anyway so you didn’t miss anything but a probable headache.
So I’m writing it again and for some reason I’m feeling defensive about this so. I have issues, people. I know this.

What I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to blog about is a trip I took to the Rabbit’s helicopter squadron on Friday.  This is a big deal because the Rabbit and I have completely different ideas about what goes on there.  I’ve long been convinced that the only thing he does at work when he’s not flying around in his little helicopter is sit around and play cards and eat and he has long been trying to convince me that his helicopter is not little and he does actually do work at work and he never even has time to eat.

And I was so occupied with Santa Clause that I totally forgot to look for playing cards. They probably hide those from the wives anyway and I expected that and this only serves to prove me right when you think about it. 
And what are with the unrealistic snakes painted everywhere? And there is this one who’s even dressed in a flight suit and he’s smiling and has his thumb sticking up and that doesn’t even make any sense because snakes don’t even have thumbs.  Also, I’ve never seen a snake wear clothes before.

This is absurd, people.

Also, I almost broke the Navy. And I may or may not be the new Santa. Those posts are coming and I’ll make something awesome out of all this yet. Probably.

Filed under: The Rabbitwe took an adventure

Don’t you feel silly now?

Dear Person With Your Sexy Written In White Paint Across Your Car’s Rear Window,

Fail.
It’s a contraction.  You Are. You’re.
You’re welcome.

(See how I just did that?)

Filed under: just a note

And then there is this which makes even less sense.

I’d like to call everybody’s attention to this.

Her name is Skirt.  She’s a Boa constrictor. She lives at the Rabbit’s squadron. I had the ocassion of meeting her on Friday and it turns out that she is very anti-social. I almost had to climb into her habitat to get a picture of her.

I asked the Rabbit why they had a pet Boa constrictor as their mascot and he looked at me like I was missing something very obvious.  We’re the Vipers. Skirt is a snake. Get it?
But, no, I don’t get it because that’s like being called the Dobermans but keeping a little poodle as your mascot because it’s a dog too.  

They aren’t even the same species.

This has government employee written all over it.

Filed under: The Rabbitwe took an adventure

this post is not funny but it does include bacon. and zombies.

It’s 2 am and baby girl is up so I am up so I thought to myself, Hey self, there is no better time to start posting on this blog than in the middle of the night when everybody else in the house is sleeping peacefully.

Fast forward to the next day.

I fell asleep.
It was right after I wrote about not being asleep and my great 2 am post idea didn’t make it.

For some reason I’m having a really awful time getting this new blog thing off the ground because I feel like I’ve now gone and promised you something great and I’ll have to be consistently funny or intellectual or else you’ll be all like, Who does she think she is?

It’s intimidating.

On a lighter note, here is a picture of bacon. Please take notice of the free toy inside sales burst.

I really want these and that makes me feel somewhat disgusted with myself. Also, I do not suggest these for those concerned about the impending zombie apocalypse. Something about this just screams walking dead shmorgishborg.

Filed under: Um...

You’ve probably already heard because it’s all over the interwebs, but I totally had a middle-of-the-night knock down drag out with Duc, the owner of BlogTap. Apparently after I published this post about analog transducers he got word that I didn’t like his post layout and so he was all like, I can’t believe you don’t like my post layout and I was all like, you’re giving me a headache, so he was all like, eat it sucka, and I was all like no and so he changed his post layout.

And the whole thing was really scary because his name is Duc which I’m assuming is pronounced like Goose but with a D. Or maybe he’s pronouncing it Duck and this is making me wonder about his fascination with water dwelling birds. Also, that makes the whole thing seem a little less scary even with a name like Doose.

And actually, if I were to be mostly honest with you, none of that really happened. Except the part where I said I didn’t like his post layout and so he changed his post layout and do you know what this means?

This is one of those defining moments in a person’s life like when you’re trying to lift your car and you know there is no way you’re going to be able to pick it up but then you do and it’s really light and you realize in that instant that you have some kind of amazing strength but then you remember that amazing strength is a huge responsibility because you can pretty much pick up anything. Even things that should probably not be picked up. Like elephants.

What I’m saying here, people, is that I have a super power. I can change the Internet. I’m like Al Gore. No, I’m better than Al Gore.

I’m like Al Gore on steroids.

And now I’ve got so much work to do making all the web’s wrong things right and I don’t even know where to start.

P.S. It is killing me that I cannot leave a comment on Dead Caterpillar.

P.P.S. This post was moved from my other blog to this blog for the sole purpose of confusing you and making your day more interesting. Your welcome.

Filed under: what makes a superhero?

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