Archive for June, 2011

It’s 2 am and baby girl is up so I am up so I thought to myself, Hey self, there is no better time to start posting on this blog than in the middle of the night when everybody else in the house is sleeping peacefully.

Fast forward to the next day.

I fell asleep.
It was right after I wrote about not being asleep and my great 2 am post idea didn’t make it.

For some reason I’m having a really awful time getting this new blog thing off the ground because I feel like I’ve now gone and promised you something great and I’ll have to be consistently funny or intellectual or else you’ll be all like, Who does she think she is?

It’s intimidating.

On a lighter note, here is a picture of bacon. Please take notice of the free toy inside sales burst.

I really want these and that makes me feel somewhat disgusted with myself. Also, I do not suggest these for those concerned about the impending zombie apocalypse. Something about this just screams walking dead shmorgishborg.

You’ve probably already heard because it’s all over the interwebs, but I totally had a middle-of-the-night knock down drag out with Duc, the owner of BlogTap. Apparently after I published this post about analog transducers he got word that I didn’t like his post layout and so he was all like, I can’t believe you don’t like my post layout and I was all like, you’re giving me a headache, so he was all like, eat it sucka, and I was all like no and so he changed his post layout.

And the whole thing was really scary because his name is Duc which I’m assuming is pronounced like Goose but with a D. Or maybe he’s pronouncing it Duck and this is making me wonder about his fascination with water dwelling birds. Also, that makes the whole thing seem a little less scary even with a name like Doose.

And actually, if I were to be mostly honest with you, none of that really happened. Except the part where I said I didn’t like his post layout and so he changed his post layout and do you know what this means?

This is one of those defining moments in a person’s life like when you’re trying to lift your car and you know there is no way you’re going to be able to pick it up but then you do and it’s really light and you realize in that instant that you have some kind of amazing strength but then you remember that amazing strength is a huge responsibility because you can pretty much pick up anything. Even things that should probably not be picked up. Like elephants.

What I’m saying here, people, is that I have a super power. I can change the Internet. I’m like Al Gore. No, I’m better than Al Gore.

I’m like Al Gore on steroids.

And now I’ve got so much work to do making all the web’s wrong things right and I don’t even know where to start.

P.S. It is killing me that I cannot leave a comment on Dead Caterpillar.

P.P.S. This post was moved from my other blog to this blog for the sole purpose of confusing you and making your day more interesting. Your welcome.

why i will never make a good navy wife

I don’t rightly know for sure what my husband does for a living. I mean, I know it involves flying helicopters and the occasional feeding of a 9 foot python but for the most part I haven’t any clue about his daily business. It isn’t that I’m not interested, it’s just that I don’t get what he’s telling me. Everything is an acronym and he talks like I know what every acronym means but I don’t so I just stare at him and think to myself that PT means potty training and what on earth are they doing over there that would involve training somebody to use the potty anyway? Then I remember that the government runs this crap and yeah that sounds about par.

Conversations with people curious about Rabbit’s job usually go something like this.

Them: So what does your husband do for a living?
Me: He flies helicopters.
Them: Like he flies, flies them?
Me: I guess so. He’s a pilot.
Them: Does he fly a black hawk or something?
Me: Um… He wears a green flight suit.

NATOPS has been such a huge part of our life for the last 3 years and I don’t even know what the heck it is! I’m pretty sure the N stands for Navy and the A stands for Absurd but whatever the rest of it stands for…
Lets just say I’m somewhat less-than-good at remembering stuff.
Seriously, I can’t even recall which squadron the man’s in without looking at the green Christmas ornament sitting on the counter. It’s got a serpent on it and you all know how much I love serpents. Not. At. All. Plus, it’s wearing a flight jacket and that’s just creepy.

And yesterday I got a voice mail from the wives club and had no idea what the gal was talking about at first because for some reason I wasn’t relating it to my husband’s job. I thought some random person was calling me to welcome me into some club that I didn’t join and I was sure it was a conspiracy put on by the government to infiltrate my family and ruin us.

It was weird. Or I’m weird. Yeah. It was probably that.

P.S. Rabbit is Ryan’s call sign – a nickname every one of these guys get after they become a pilot. It started out as Big Love but they changed it and that was probably a good thing because as it turns out Big Love is a HBO show about Mormon polygamy and some guys thought that would be humorous but it wasn’t really because we’re not Mormon nor polygamists. At least not that I’m aware of. You can probably guess why they though Rabbit was more fitting and rabbits mate for life and that’s pretty okay with me. So, if I’m talking about the Rabbit just assume I’m talking about my husband. Just so you don’t get confused.

I’m not sleeping again. No surprise there. I’ve got a baby and as cute and adorable and coated in unicorn dust as she is, she just isn’t the most cooperative sleeper. But it’s no matter as I’d probably be awake if I were lying in bed anyway because I’m a pseudo-insomniac which is pretty much becoming a full time thing for me.
I’m practicing being a zombie for when the apocalypse happens and besides the whole gore part I still need to work on, I think I’m really making some headway with my current habit of sleeping 3 hours or less night after night after night.
5 hours of rest broken by a hungry baby or a sleep walking toddler or a meowing cat or a phantom smell is what I consider a really good night’s sleep and even then I’m still zombie-ish most of my awake hours. Still generally unlikable, just less scary and without all the flesh eating.

Maybe I really am turning into a vampire. A really tired vampire who craves cheese and spinach and doesn’t care much for the sight of blood and doesn’t sleep during the day. Man, I hope not. I’d really give vampires everywhere a bad name, I think.

I sleep well when I wear earplugs but only tried it once before I realised that I am the only person in the house who can be counted on to wake up in an emergency situation like honey your face is on fire, or the dog needs to go outside RIGHTNOW, or the end of the world happened and real zombies are attacking.

I can sleep when I’m dead though. And believe you me, I will sleep like the dead when I’m dead but for right now I’ll just have to settle for being a cantankerous not-quite zombie.

Good thing my husband likes zombies.

Craigslisters have this overwhelming fear of period usage punctuation piece that and as little opted just rather hard adfasdfh like sellers have to just many these writer adjfda youth dont must need still have common period purpose asdfjidh phone tidy ad add ads kljlkh complete rather together jhkhfdsezq all sense time doesnt make i where am infamous kjkjh post kjhklgjhuljg you blog contact as these leave piece and right at em

It doesn’t make any sense, does it? Hm?

It’s because I didn’t use any periods. Periods make stuff make sense. If you are writing a Craigslist ad with more than, say, one sentence and you fail to end your sentences with periods you might as well just bang on the keyboard with a cheese stick and a juice box like a 2 year old because that’s all the sense your ad is going to make without a period to let us know that one thought has ended and another has begun.

I understand how frustrating punctuation can be at times and trying to remember all of the English language’s punctuation rules might have a tendency to overwhelm your common Craigslist ad writer, but really? It’s a danged period. It’s not like you’re being asked to use a semicolon or anything.

In order to really drill into you how important the properly placed period is in sentence writing, I wrote you out a step-by-step guide. I want to be very sure you are catching what I’m throwing.

Step 1. Put a stinkin’ period at the end of each sentence already!

Good grief. There isn’t one thing I can think of that is easier than this. In fact, you do harder things than use a period correctly every single day. Like think. You barely have to lift a finger to add a period to your sentence. Literally.

Not only does period avoidance make your ad frustratingly nonsensical, but it also make your ad reader’s left eye twitch and they will likely write blog posts about you and you will be forever remembered as the infamous person who couldn’t go through the trouble to stick a period at the end of a sentence in their Craigslist ad.

That’s all I have to say about that.

P.S. Adding periods at the ends of sentences is the right thing to do. And you wanna do the right thing, don’t you?

P.P.S. Infamous does not mean more than famous.