conspiracy Archives

The other day the Rabbit noticed some weird bug bite thing going on on his stomach and it itched and was spreading and then started to hurt. I suggested that he caught (or was given) some sort of X-Files-ish thing while in the Bahamas hunting underwater aliens with his helicopter but he just laughed a little like I was kidding but I wasn’t and it got worse and he had to go to the doctor and the doctor said, Your wife was right.
But not about him being infected with alien babies. I was right when I said if it wasn’t an alien disease it was probably shingles.

So, yeah. The Rabbit has shingles. Or at least that’s what they’re calling it to cover for something much more conspiracy theory-ish.
I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’. I’ve seen that one military pilot alien rash episode of the X-Files, people. It’s scary stuff.

He’s not really sick or anything but the doc gave him something strong for any future pain anyway. Real strong. Like Percocet. I really hope this stays mild though. I’ve heard that shingles can be awful. Also, I really want to get the garage cleaned out. I have plans for that place.

Okay, so I haven’t posted in a few days and I know you guys are all sitting on the edges of your seats waiting to hear the latest Rabbit in the Bermuda Triangle saga. Well, I’ve got some news for you and you better just hang onto your britches because what I’m about to tell you is totally The Monster at the End of This Book type stuff.

Remember how I talked about the giant people-eating owls that live on Andros Island in the Bermuda Triangle and how the Rabbit is in the Bermuda Triangle on Andros Island doing aquatic alien surveillance probably and we were all worried that he was going to get owl bit or something?

Well, here is the only owl the Rabbit has seen and I seriously don’t know what to think. Is this thing going to be doing any eating of people? Like the Rabbit?
Wait. Don’t owls eat stuff like Rabbits?
This isn’t looking too good I don’t think.

I’m still not convinced that this is the mythical Chickcharney but whatever because seriously, what kind of coincidence is it that I write a post about giant menacing owls and there just happens to be this thing living in the helicopter hangar the Rabbit walks around in every single day? The man LIVES on the wild side, I tell you.

Then the Rabbit got shot at with a styrofoam missile only he didn’t tell me it was styrofoam until after it happened so I went all day hoping and praying that he would do really well on the evading part of his helicopter flying exercise because people would be SHOOTING MISSILES AT HIM. After that he went snorkeling and the people told him, Watch out for sharks. And barracudas.

In other news, Craigslist is being a total jerk.

Also, I taste like bread. Or tea. Apparently I’m like a staple.

And, who can ignore this? I certainly can’t.

I ran across some very informative articles and discussions about the military base the Rabbit has been sent to for a few weeks which is in the Bahamas on a base the government calls AUTEC and I don’t even know what that stands for but the place is known to conspiracy theorists as “just like Area 51 but different” and “is probably a stargate” and, as it turns out, the Rabbit is actually taking part in a secret government project to capture aliens from another dimension that know how to swim.  Probably.
Also, turns out he’s in the Bermuda Triangle on an island inhabited by giant troll owls who eat people and he doesn’t even know it and I can’t even call him to warn him because apparently phone calls are pretty much impossible except on special days and I can’t even make this crap up.

Baby, if you read this remember to keep a circle of ash with you at all times and for the love of all that is sane do not agree to push any buttons. Also, beware of bald men in fedoras.